Foiling the great Kitty plot

McDonalds had better be regretting Hello Kitty version 2.0 big time. I hope they are, but maybe not. It’s beginning to look like some great big greedy corporate plot. Or a front for a massive evil corporation, whose headquarters is equipped with a pool of sharks with frickin’ lasers attached to their frickin’ heads.

McDonalds, red-nosed clowns they are, has successfully baited thousands of mindless, sleepless Singaporeans into overnight queues, angst, shame and violence. It was as close as this nation has ever gotten to the zombie apocalypse.

Now that we have a short respite from the haze; now that the dengue epidemic is fading from media attention; now that parliament is in recess; now that it has been more than a week since some kid got slashed at Cineleisure. This. This would be the perfect time to inflict Hello Kitty madness on feeble-minded Singaporeans.

It is a plot that puts the Joker to shame. Batman would have been helpless. But we have the Singapore Police Force, not some donut-eating “Gotham City’s finest” to save us. Already, they have successfully and stoically kept their blank faces while surrounded by yabbering lunatics.

It must be SO. HARD. TO. KEEP. STRAIGHT. FACE.

But in spite of a commendable performance from our boys in blue, McDonalds hench-, er, staff have been amassing crowds of rabid, frenzied Hello Kitty worshippers, then calling the police in to deal with the madness. Watch out boys! It’s a trap!

See how they do it at http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=10151504834032934

150 policemen would be ill-equipped to handle the large numbers of maniacs. They may even become infected themselves, adding to the problem.

In the interest of national security, anyone seen carrying Hello Kitty merchandise of any sort should be quarantined. I hear the government has already put aside some chalets for this sort of event, so we’re good on that front.

Psychiatric treatment should also be mandatory for all McDonalds patients, er, patrons. “Would you like the two-week treatment, or would you like to upsize to the full month at no extra cost, sir?”

We need to upgrade our alert level to DEFCON 4. Or was it Orange? Or Delta? Whatever it is when you have to break out the army to surround the island in a long human chain, like back in the Mas Selamat days. Then we’d get them to march inland slowly, systematically destroying every hidden altar to Hello Kitty they’d find. And any altars with food sacrifices of McDonalds meals on them.

An emergency session of Parliament should be convened, and the Anti-Kitty Bill should be rushed through, giving the every citizen the right to Tazer on sight any person in a McDonalds queue over 12 people long, including placeholders like slippers, pets and other chattel.

The Monetary Authority of Singapore needs to arrest the guy who bought a $126,000 Hello Kitty doll for manipulating the markets, fraud, price fixing, money laundering, animal abuse, and general dumbassery.

Come Singapore! It is time to reclaim our land from fast food and slow wits. Let us arise in defence of our reputation and national security! We cannot let a bunch of made-in-China dolls expose the weakness of our society!

Let’s order the whole collection straight from the China factory.

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